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It starts with what should be a simple decision.
You've interviewed several au pairs, asked the questions, met the candidates, and finally found someone who seems like a wonderful fit. You make an offer, wait anxiously for the answer, and eventually hear the words you've been hoping for:
"I'd love to join your family."
Decision made. Except then another message arrives.
It's from the au pair you originally felt an unusually strong connection with. The one you couldn't quite decide on. Maybe she had been quieter during the interview. Maybe she needed more time to think. Maybe you simply weren't sure how interested she was.
Now she's telling you that she really wants to join your family. And suddenly, the decision you thought was finished isn't finished at all.
When Your Head Says One Thing and Your Heart Says Another
Choosing an au pair isn't quite like choosing an employee.
You're not simply filling a position. You're inviting someone to live in your home, share your routines, spend time with your children, and become part of your everyday family life. That's why emotions inevitably become part of the decision.
A recent discussion among host families and au pairs highlighted exactly this dilemma. One host family had already verbally offered a position to an au pair who accepted after taking time to consider the decision. Then another candidate, whom the family had initially felt particularly connected to, sent a heartfelt message expressing how much she wanted to join them.
The family was suddenly torn between two people they genuinely liked. It's an uncomfortable position to be in because there isn't a completely emotion-free answer.
Don't Let One Emotional Message Make the Decision for You
A heartfelt message can be powerful. It can make you feel wanted, appreciated, and suddenly certain that you've found "the one." But before changing your decision, take a step back.
Ask yourself: What actually makes this person a better fit? Is it her childcare experience? Her personality? Her communication style? Her approach to your children's needs? Your shared expectations? Her availability? Or are you simply reacting to the fact that she has now shown more enthusiasm?
That distinction matters.
One of the most useful pieces of advice in the discussion was to separate the emotional reaction from the practical decision. If two candidates are genuinely equal in experience, maturity, communication, and ability to meet the family's needs, then the personal connection can become an important deciding factor.
But a beautiful message shouldn't automatically outweigh everything else you've learned during the matching process.
Remember What You Already Promised
There is another side to the dilemma.
Once a host family has made a firm offer and an au pair has accepted it, changing direction can have consequences. The au pair may already have started planning around the placement, emotionally committed to the move, or turned down other opportunities.
Several people in the discussion therefore advised the family to honour its original commitment rather than reverse the decision simply because another candidate had expressed interest later. Others felt that the family should choose the person who genuinely seemed like the stronger long-term fit.
There is no universal answer here.
What matters is understanding that an offer is more than a casual expression of interest. Before making one, families should be reasonably confident that they are ready to move forward.
When in Doubt, Have Another Conversation
If you're genuinely torn before finalising the match, another conversation can be more useful than another round of overthinking.
Speak to both candidates again. Ask questions you didn't ask the first time. Talk through working hours, childcare expectations, household responsibilities, holidays, communication, arrival dates, and personal boundaries. But also pay attention to something less measurable:
How does the conversation feel? Can you communicate openly? Do you feel comfortable asking difficult questions? Does the au pair seem comfortable doing the same? Can you imagine sitting around the dinner table together six months from now, not just during the exciting first week?
One host-family perspective in the discussion suggested exactly this: reconnect with the candidate before making a final decision, because a strong feeling from a message may not necessarily translate into the same compatibility during a deeper conversation.
The Right Match Is More Than Chemistry
Chemistry matters. But chemistry alone isn't enough. A host family might have an instant connection with someone who ultimately isn't available when they need childcare. Another candidate might be less immediately charismatic but exceptionally reliable, communicative, patient, and well-suited to the children's personalities. And sometimes the person who looks perfect on paper isn't the person who feels right once everyday life begins.
That's why the matching process needs both head and heart. Look at practical compatibility. Look at childcare experience. Look at communication. Look at expectations. Look at personality. And then ask yourself whether you can genuinely imagine this person becoming part of your household.
And If You've Already Made Your Choice?
This is where things become more complicated. If an au pair has already accepted a firm offer, changing your mind should not be treated casually. Before taking any action, review the terms of your arrangement and, if you are working with an agency or platform, ask what the appropriate process is. Most importantly, don't keep two au pairs waiting indefinitely while you try to decide.
Both people deserve clarity. The matching process can be emotional for au pairs too. They may be making plans to leave their country, say goodbye to family, organise travel, and prepare for a completely different chapter of their lives.
A host family has responsibilities in that process as well.
The Better Question Isn't "Who Do We Like More?"
When you're choosing between two wonderful au pairs, the question can easily become:
"Who do we like more?" Try asking something different. "Who is the better fit for the life we're actually going to share?"
That question brings the decision back to what matters. Because the goal isn't to find the person who gives you the strongest feeling during an interview. It's to find someone with whom you can build a healthy, respectful relationship after the interviews are over.
The au pair who arrives on an ordinary Monday morning. The one who helps with breakfast, manages the school run, laughs with your children, has a difficult day, needs an evening alone, and sits with you at the kitchen table to talk through a misunderstanding.
That's the person you're choosing. And that's why the best au pair match isn't necessarily the person who makes your heart race during the interview. It's the person who makes you believe that, when the excitement fades and everyday life begins, you'll still be glad you chose each other.
