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Sometimes the hardest part of being an au pair isn't looking after the children. It's deciding what to do when the experience you imagined starts feeling very different from reality. A recent Reddit discussion captured that feeling. An au pair shared that she was struggling with repeated difficult behaviour from the children in her host family. She had experience working with children and understood that challenging behaviour can happen. But the situation was becoming physically and emotionally exhausting. Eventually, she reached a point where she wanted to leave.
The problem? She cared about the family and felt guilty about leaving the host mother to manage everything without her. So, should she stay and try to make it work, or accept that the placement isn't right for her?
Not every difficult start means you should leave
Moving into a new family is a huge adjustment for the au pair and the children. Children may test boundaries, become upset about the new person in their home or simply take time to trust someone. An au pair may also need time to understand the family's routines and parenting style.
That's why a difficult first few weeks don't automatically mean the match has failed. Sometimes, what feels overwhelming at first improves with consistency, patience and better communication. But there is also a difference between normal adjustment difficulties and a situation that is repeatedly affecting an au pair's physical or emotional well-being. Being an au pair means caring for children. It doesn't mean having to manage every situation alone.
When challenging behaviour becomes too much
An au pair can be experienced, patient and genuinely good with children and still reach their limit. If a child is repeatedly hitting, scratching, biting, spitting or behaving in ways that make the au pair feel unsafe, the parents need to be involved. The au pair shouldn't feel that they have to solve serious behavioural challenges by themselves.
This is also where honesty during the matching process becomes important. Host families should be open about significant behavioural difficulties or additional responsibilities before an au pair accepts the placement. And au pairs should feel comfortable asking questions about the children before making their decision. The more both sides know beforehand, the fewer surprises there are later.
What if you feel guilty about leaving?
This can make the decision particularly difficult.
When you live with a host family, you don't just work there. You share meals, conversations, routines and everyday life. You may become attached to the children and genuinely care about the parents. So leaving can feel personal. But caring about a family doesn't mean you have to stay in a situation that isn't working for you. An au pair can appreciate the opportunity, care about the children and still recognise:
“This isn't the right situation for me.” That's not necessarily selfish. Sometimes recognising a problem early is better than staying until everyone becomes frustrated or unhappy.
Before making a decision, talk about it
If there isn't an immediate safety concern, an honest conversation with the host parents can be a good first step. Instead of simply saying that you're unhappy, explain what is actually happening.
You could ask:
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What can the parents do when the behaviour becomes difficult?
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Can your responsibilities or schedule be adjusted?
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Are the expectations different from what was discussed before arrival?
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What support is available?
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What would need to change for you to feel comfortable continuing?
The goal isn't to assign blame. It's to find out whether the problem can realistically be improved. Sometimes it can. Sometimes it can't. And that's important information too.
Host families need to listen, too
Making an au pair placement work isn't only the au pair's responsibility. Host parents should check in regularly, especially during the first weeks. If an au pair is struggling, dismissing the problem or simply asking them to “try harder” may not solve it. Parents know their children best, but an au pair experiences the children from a different perspective. Listening to that perspective can reveal problems that might otherwise go unnoticed.
A healthy arrangement should allow both sides to say when something isn't working.
So, should you leave or stick it out?
There isn't one answer for every au pair.
If you're mainly dealing with homesickness, unfamiliar routines or children who simply need more time to adjust, staying a little longer may help. If the problem is unclear expectations, a conversation and some changes might make a big difference. But if you repeatedly feel unsafe, overwhelmed or unsupported, you shouldn't stay simply because you feel guilty.
Before leaving, make sure you understand your agreement and any relevant visa or programme requirements. If possible, speak with someone you trust another au pair, a coordinator, a friend or family member and get support with your options. And if there is an immediate safety concern, seek appropriate help rather than trying to handle the situation alone.
Leaving doesn't automatically mean you failed
One of the easiest things to forget when an au pair placement goes wrong is that a difficult match isn't necessarily a personal failure. Sometimes the children need more support than an au pair expected. Sometimes expectations weren't clear. Sometimes two people simply aren't a good fit for living together. What matters is recognising the difference between something that needs time and something that genuinely isn't working.
The goal of an au pair experience isn't to prove how much you can endure. It's to create a positive cultural exchange where the au pair and host family can live, communicate and grow together. Sometimes that means giving the relationship more time. And sometimes, it means knowing when it's time to move on.
